The More You Grip, the Less You Hold

Last updated on September 2, 2025

We live in a world that rewards the tight grip. Hustle harder. Hold it together. Keep pushing. Control the outcome. Shape your destiny. It is baked into our modern culture like sugar in a Southern pie.

But here is the thing no one tells you: the more you grip, the less you hold.

That may seem counterintuitive, especially if you have always believed that control equals safety. We are taught from a young age that if we manage enough variables, do everything right, stay ahead of the curve, and double-check the details, we will be okay. That kind of mindset often gets labeled as “strong,” “responsible,” or even “mature.”

But somewhere along the way, that grip becomes a vice. Not a virtue.

Every time we clutch harder at life, convinced that our way is the only way, things start to slip. The plan unravels. The expectations go unmet. People don’t behave the way we want them to. The outcomes feel unpredictable or unfair. And suddenly, what began as an effort to feel secure becomes the very thing creating our stress.

Control promises safety but often delivers tension, disappointment, and exhaustion.

I know this not because I studied it in a book, but because I lived it. As a cancer survivor and a healing coach, I have danced with control more times than I can count. In my own healing, I thought if I ate the perfect foods, meditated at the perfect times, followed the perfect plan, I would stay well. That illusion lasted until life reminded me that perfection is not part of the human design. Life is not a fixed route. It is an unfolding.

When I let go of that iron grip, something surprising happened. I didn’t fall apart. I didn’t lose progress. I didn’t spiral. Instead, I found a new kind of strength—the strength of flexibility. The strength that whispers, “Yes, I have goals. Yes, I have dreams. Yes, I’m determined to heal.” But it also says, “I am open to how the path unfolds.”

Flexibility is not about laziness or indifference. It is not shrugging off responsibility or giving up on your dreams. It is about adjusting your stance so you can stay rooted even when the wind blows. It is about making space for the unexpected. It is knowing that life will not always cooperate with your checklist, but you can still move forward with grace.

When we loosen our grip, we gain access to peace. When we stop fighting every twist and turn, we make space for healing. Because here is a quiet truth that lives under all the noise: calm is fertile ground. In calm, the body breathes differently. The mind opens. The heart softens. And in that softened space, healing can happen.

This is not just about illness or wellness. It applies to all of life. Relationships. Careers. Parenting. Grief. Creativity. The tighter we try to control the process, the more brittle it becomes. But when we allow ourselves to stay curious, to be open to other routes, to trust that life is still working with us even when it looks unfamiliar, we create room for something beautiful to unfold.

Let me be clear, having goals is beautiful. Wanting to heal, to love fully, to live well, to contribute meaningfully—these are noble desires. This is not an invitation to float passively through life, waiting for the wind to carry you. This is about engaging fully while loosening your attachment to how it has to go.

I often ask my clients, “What are you gripping right now?” Sometimes it is an old story. Sometimes it is a picture-perfect outcome. Sometimes it is fear disguised as diligence. And then I ask, “What would it feel like to let just a little of that go?”

The shift is rarely dramatic at first. But it is powerful. A little more breath. A little more space. A little more life moving through the cracks.

Here’s what I have learned: real growth has rhythm. It breathes in and out. It contracts and expands. You are not failing just because things got quiet. You are not lost just because the path took a curve. You are not broken just because your original plan no longer fits.

You are growing. You are learning. You are softening in the places that used to be hardened by fear. And that is not weakness. That is deep, embodied wisdom.

So today, maybe ask yourself a new question. Not “How can I control this better?” but “Where can I release just a little more?” Where can you create room for life to meet you halfway? What would it look like to trust that letting go is not giving up, but growing forward?

Flexibility makes space for calm. And calm makes space for healing.

You are not here to white-knuckle your way through life. You are here to experience it, to move with it, to shape it not with a clenched fist but with open hands.

The more you grip, the less you hold. But the more you open, the more life finds its way in.

About the Author